Feeling like hiding

Hi all,

While it was wonderful to restart the newsletter least week, I have to admit that I still want to hide. I feel embarrassed. My life isn’t exactly perfect. (Spoiler alert: I’m a perfectionist to some degree.) 

I feel embarrassed because I haven’t just picked something and stuck with it. I feel embarrassed because things keep changing, and when I share that we’re going to do this and then we do that, it feels like I didn’t follow through. 

I also feel like hiding because I don’t feel like I’m a good person to be around. I’m not cheery all the time. Or rather, I’m not cheery very much at all. I put on a good face for a conversation, but it can be exhausting.

I don’t feel productive. I’m depressed. I don’t even go outside much. 

My partner is also experiencing a lot of personal growth, but it’s been challenging. The lows were lows. 

I’m sharing all this to acknowledge mental health. Undoubtedly, we all will feel some strange emotions as the world opens back up. It’s ok to have feelings. Feel them. COVID is a trauma that we all will carry with us through our entire life, like the Great Depression did for everyone who was alive during it. We know the kids are going to be different. We have to acknowledge that we are different. 

All of this is to say that I am trepidatious about “catching up” with people. People I care about. I’m embarrassed. I go silent. 

Talking about it publically, to the whole world, via this post is much easier for me than an individual conversation. Maybe it’s because I think that the other person might pick up on the fact that things aren’t perfect, and I’d have to explain myself. Or maybe I feel that the last year I haven’t accomplished anything. Stepping away from things as a form of self care is an accomplishment, but my heart doesn’t believe it yet. I’m beginning to acknowledge that this time is valid, as in, a valid use of my time. 

Everything is on purpose. Or, I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what’s coming up, I can’t think much beyond next week. 

What I DO know is that I’d like to start working part time, whether advising, or helping people build their personal websites, or consulting, or coaching startup founders. I look forward to speaking engagements again. 

Thank you for listening. 

BTW - I’m in St. Petersburg, Florida. If you find yourself around here, let me know.